Monday, June 22, 2009

Taco-Flavored Keeeesses

The first girl I ever kissed had a drinking problem. At 14. Why, yes, it is a rather long story. Anyway, she was trying to hide her Zima-swilling from me with copious amounts of mouthwash, and ever since then I've sort of had a thing for girls who taste like Scope. This was reinforced by the first smoker I ever kissed, because apparently nicotine and mouthwash are complimentary flavors. Also, because of the nicotine, her kisses literally tingled. Very cool stuff.

Not the kind of thing you can really communicate to a woman, though. Just play it through in your mind for a second. You're on the couch, making out with your spouse/bf/gf/what-ev and you say something like "this is great, babe, but it would be even better if you used some mouthwash". Yeah. See where that gets you.

In college I had a girlfriend whose kisses tasted like broccoli. A little weird, I know, but I love broccoli, so I have to say that it topped the mouthwash thing. Although, again, this is not something you can really communicate to a woman. "You taste like broccoli" doesn't really work on a things-I-like-about-you list. Which is not to say that I didn't try to share... There's just that weirdness barrier. No matter how special it was to me, she couldn't get over being self-conscious about tasting like broccoli.

This is not, incidentally, what ended the relationship.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "how can you ever beat broccoli?" Okay, so you're probably not thinking that, but I would be. And, I'll have you know, I did. I had a girlfriend whose kisses had the faintest hint of the flavor of... what did Samuel L. Jackson call it in Pulp Fiction?... the "holiest of holies". For anyone who doesn't catch the reference, I am, in fact, talking about cunnilingus. Which I definitely like more than broccoli.

Again, not the easiest thing to communicate. But I'm about 95% certain I never tried, because I've learned my lesson. It won't work. I could have told her, but it would have just creeped her out. Oh well.

The moral of the story: honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes shut-the-hell-up is a pretty good policy.

Apropos of nothing,

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1 comment:

Amy said...

You crack me up.

And your Word Verification hates me.