Friday, February 5, 2010

Return Of The Son Of Awful Cinema

Empire Magazine recently published a reader poll of the 50 worst films of all time. Number 1? Batman & Robin. Which, by all accounts was pretty horrific. So, for your viewing edification, below is an incomplete list of some of the horrible films I've sat through.

Battlefield Earth - This had potential to be some genuinely good sci-fi camp... the story is actually pretty decent. I don't know what went wrong, but the damned thing is nearly unwatchable.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - I've ranted about this one before. The moral of the story is this: you're not actually fooling anyone anymore, George, and it's stopped being cute that you think you are.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - removing the blatant racism and scat-humor from this film would not only have made it more palatable, but would have served the dual role of trimming an hour from it. Any movie based on toy robots that takes itself seriously enough to be 2-1/2 hours long is smoking some seriously good hashish.

I will digress to voice a big problem I had with this movie. Early on there was a none-too-subtle dig at the Obama administration in the form of a bureaucrat who insisted that the U.S. should at least attempt diplomacy when dealing with Decepticons rather than simply executing them. This made him a sniveling weasel--a plot point that made me rather uncomfortable, and yet was not borne out by the plot, which hinges on two Decepticons who defect and become good guys... sigh...

Austin Powers in Goldmember - this movie has no reason to exist. It, along with The Love Guru and Shrek The Third are the reason I cross the street when I see Mike Meyers approaching. Speaking of...

Shrek the Third - not so much a bad film as an awkward and bland one. Live and Let Die as a funeral dirge? Who thought that was a good idea? Like Austin Powers, what puzzles me so much is how this third installment could fall so flat after a second installment that was so brilliant.

Meet the Robinsons - follow me on this: for all values of n greater than 3, where n is the number of screenwriters, the quality of a movie is inversely proportional to n. You kinda feel sorry for it, because it's clearly trying. I could make a joke about SPED... maybe I should stop right there.

The Mod Squad - this is the only time I ever saw a movie for free and felt cheated by it. There's an hour and a half of my life that's never coming back.

Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows - lacking a witch, a book of shadows, and only tangentially related to the town of Blair. Also, it was excessively gory, made no sense, and failed to elicit any scares at all.

Cool World - this is arguably the worst film I've ever seen. Horrible story, horrible production values, painful to watch. Remember in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? when Eddie Valient went to Toon Town and was seamlessly integrated into a cartoon world? Cool World tried to get that effect with cardboard cut-outs...

Have a good weekend, don't watch anything that sucks.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Message in a Bottle. Worst movie EVER, even for a sappy chick flick.