Monday, August 29, 2011

Meet The 2012 GOP Candidates

With the GOP presidential campaign in full swing, it's a good time to look at the front-runners in more detail. Who best represents the Republican voters? Who has the best chance of beating Obama in the general election? Let's take a look at the contenders!

Newt Gingrich
Campaign Slogan: "Yes I Can!"
Platform: To recapture that 90's magic
Pros: Led the Republican Revolution of 1994
Cons: Took a 12-year hiatus from politics to go on a shopping spree
Campaign song: Breakfast At Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something

John Huntsman
Campaign Slogan: "Someone You Know Has Heard of Me!"
Pros: Meets all necessary requirements to run for president
Cons: [citation needed]
Campaign song: Nowhere Man by The Beatles

Sarah Palin
Campaign Slogan: "Together We Can Show The World What Makes America--A Really Great Nation Nation That I Love And Whose Hardworking Real People Make It So Awesome--Such A Wonderful Place To Celebrate Life, Grow Business, And Exercise Our God-Given Freedoms, Don'cha Know!"
Platform: Is a thing you stand on, right?
Pros: Charismatic Tea-Party candidate, lock on the dirty-old-man demographic
Cons: Will resign in 2014 to pursue book deal and show on Fox News
Campaign song: Still Crazy After All These Years by Paul Simon

Rick Perry
Campaign Slogan: "Because Fuck Science, That's Why!"
Platform: To rid America of domestic terrorism in the form of teachers, scientists, economists, and politicians
Pros: Straight-talking Texas governor with a proven track record on job-creation
Cons: Thinks America should secede from the EU
Campaign song: Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Mitt Romney
Campaign Slogan: "Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
Platform: All hail the mighty Xenu
Pros: Successful track record as governor of Massachusetts
Cons: Might be a liberal in disguise
Campaign song: Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre

Michele Bachman
Campaign Slogan: "Or Else It Gets The Hose Again!"
Platform: Find the Blue Fairy and someday become a real boy
Pros: Charismatic Tea-Party candidate, Googly-eyes have appeal with children
Cons: Born in the Uncanny Valley, citizenship in question
Campaign song: The Rainbow Connection by Kermit the Frog


Amy said...

Sarah Palin isn't actually running, right?

FlameFlash said...

No, most of us just fear the possibility...

Amy said...

I don't, really. I mean, her resume has actually gotten WORSE in the last 4 years in terms of experience. If she were running for Fox News reporter, that would be one thing. But she doesn't have any executive or governmental experience to show for the last 4 years, and if anything, has spent it proclaiming her complete lack of knowledge of US history. She's little more than a circus clown, and I think even staunch Republicans can see that. I suspect her advisors have strongly discouraged her from running, on the grounds that she doesn't stand a chance.