Friday, May 3, 2013

FFF: Lawyers Of The Lamp

Every week, Kurt posts a new bit of flash fiction. This week...

Lawyers Of The Lamp
Word Count: 600

Are you a U.S. citizen? Are you over 18 years of age? Have you discovered a magic lamp that contains a genie who will grant you three wishes? If you can answer “yes” to all three of these questions, then I have an important message for you: Dealing with genies can be difficult. Why do it yourself when you can get help from knowledgeable professionals who specialize in maximizing your wish-fulfillment? Call our toll-free* number right now to let us help you avoid wasted wishes.

Hi. My name is Jacob Jacobson. You know my law firm: Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates. We have the most experience of any law firm in helping you get what you deserve from your genie. If you have a magic lamp that contains a genie who is willing to grant you three wishes, don’t do anything before you call our toll-free* number. Our service pays for itself.

Our legal associates are experts trained in genie litigation, negotiation, and arbitration. We know all the ins and outs of the rules that govern genie wish-fulfillment. We know what your genie will and won’t do for you. We also know what does and what does not qualify as a bona fide wish.

But, most importantly, we can help you draft and revise your wish into a water-tight command that even the most reluctant genie will be forced to obey. No ironic punishments, no heavy-handed moral lessons, just you getting the maximum amount that you can get from your genie.

And remember, we don’t collect unless you are so unfathomably wealthy that you won’t even notice the ridiculously outlandish bill for our services.

But wait. What if you’ve already used one or even two of your allotted wishes? That’s no problem. Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates can still help you get the most out of your remaining wishes. Our service literally** pays for itself.

But don’t take our word for it. Just listen to this testimonial from our most recent satisfied customer:

I found a magic lamp and wished for a relationship with a supermodel. That mean old genie turned my sister into a professional model and told me that my wish was granted. So I contacted Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates using this toll-free* number. Not only did the genie give me back my wish, he also made my sister a fry cook and gave me my very own country. Thanks, Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates!

—Kim Jong-un, satisfied customer

But that’s not all. We also offer a number of services for non-genie wish-granting engagements. Opening a fortune cookie? Blowing out the candles on your birthday cake? Holding onto a magic idol? Don’t do anything before you call our toll-free number. You’ll be glad you did. We guarantee*** it!

Don’t waste wishes. Call our toll-free* number today!

*Some fees may apply.

**For certain definitions of the word “literally”.

***Not an actual guarantee.

This is legal advertising and should not be construed in any way as legal advice. Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates are not licensed to practice non-supernatural law or to appear in any courtroom. If you need personalized legal assistance on non-supernatural matters, contact a real-life attorney in your area. Not valid outside the United States. Past results are not necessarily indicative of future results. Immunity from other genies not included. No wishing for more wishes. Void where prohibited (including but not limited to the states of Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, and Alaska, and the Territory of Puerto Rico). Translation services not included. Not responsible for death, injury, or personal and heritable curses.

Edited by Carolyn "I \Literally\ Fell Out Of My Chair" Abram.

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