Friday, June 7, 2013

FFF: Dear Sirs

Every Friday Kurt posts a new piece of original flash fiction. This week...

Dear Sirs
Word Count: 600

Dear Mr. Hemmingfield:

It has taken me some time to find you. You may recall that on the twenty-third of last month you entered my business establishment, Farnsworth Jewelers, and proposed making purchase of a locket for your betrothed.

You may recall that I was the fellow who advised against leaning on the glass display counter, given your generous girth, as it is not designed to withstand that sort of stress. You may also recall that this glass display counter did, in fact, crack under the weight.

Now, originally you maintained that it had already been cracked when you leaned over, when I was finally able to get you to acknowledge that it was, in fact, cracked. I have reviewed the surveillance footage of the incident, and I am convinced that you are to blame for the damage. Therefore, I request that you remit payment of $142.59 to cover the replacement of that glass and the installation. I trust we can resolve this without involving any legal council.

Sincerely,

James Chesterton Farnsworth III




Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

Your mother…

Regards,

Claude Hemmingfield




Dear Mr. Hemmingfield:

I am not sure I take your meaning. I have come to you with a serious claim of property damage, and I expect you to do the right and honorable thing and remit payment of $142.59 to cover the damages. I would prefer not to involve lawyers for a sum this trivial, but I will not hesitate to do so if you are unwilling to cooperate.

I trust I will see payment included in your timely correspondence.

Sincerely,

James Chesterton Farnsworth III




Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

…is a whore.

Regards,

Claude Hemmingfield




Dear Mr. Hemmingfield:

I suspect you are having sport at my expense, and I would greatly appreciate it if you ceased. My mother is a virtuous and kindly woman in her late years, and to impugn her character as you have done is beyond distasteful. In addition to the $142.59 that you owe me for damages to my display case, I expect a full apology to myself as well as my dear mother for this jape.

I trust I will find both of these in your next correspondence.

Sincerely,

James Chesterton Farnsworth III




Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

Your sister…

Regards,

Claude Hemmingfield




Dear Mr. Hemmingfield:

Now, that is just rude. Kindly stop this tomfoolery at once. There is no call for you to be making accusations about the female members of my family. This could all be over if you would simply make payment of $142.59 for the parts and labor to replace the glass display case pane that you yourself destroyed.

This nonsense must stop, post haste, or I will engage the services of an attorney.

Good day,

James Chesterton Farnsworth III




Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

…is a two-bit prostitute.

Regards,

Claude Hemmingfield




Dear Mr. Hemmingfield:

I am shocked—shocked—that you value my sister’s services so poorly. Surely a woman of her comely distinction is worth more than twenty-five cents. That said, as you claim to have been buggered by both her and my mother, I feel that some surcharges are in order. For instance, my mother’s advanced experience must surely be reflected in the quality of her prowess and therefore rate her at $120. Combine that with $.25 for my sister, a 10% surcharge for the two-some and 7.8% sales tax brings the total to $142.59.

Please remit payment within 30 days.

Sincerely,

James Chesteron Farnsworth III




Dear Mr. Farnsworth:

Fair enough. Enclosed is payment for $142.59 for services rendered.

Regards,

Claude Hemmingfield

Edited by Carolyn "I Actually Did The Math" Abram.

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