Friday, December 27, 2013

Friday Flash Fiction: Lavender Crush

Every Friday, Kurt posts a new piece of flash fiction. This week...

Lavender Crush
Word Count: 599

You’re the arrow in my heart strings, baby, my lavender crush—hold on, where’s the guitar? Nigel, there’s no guitar. Something wrong with your amp?”


“Well, where’d the guitar go?”

“I stopped playing it.”

“You stopped playing?”


“Everything all right, Nigel?”

“We need to talk, Ian.”

“Can it wait until after rehearsal? I really want to nail down this song.”

“It’s about the song.”

“Oh, well, what about it? The melody?”

“No, Ian, it’s the lyrics.”

“The lyrics? Well, they’re not completely nailed down yet, but you know I have a process.”

“I know. But I’m not talking about making little tweaks or figuring out the middle eight. I’d like to rethink the themes and direction we’re taking it.”

“Really? But with a title like Lavender Crush there’s only so many directions you can go.”

“I’d like to change the title as well.”

“Oh, well, Nigel… I didn’t realize. What’s wrong with it?”

We’re a heavy metal band, Ian. Heavy metal bands don’t write heavy metal songs and call them Lavender Crush.”

“So? It’s ironic.”

“We don’t do ironic. We sing about anarchy and death and destruction. We don’t sing love songs to the gal behind the counter at Bath and Body Works.”

“I think the word crush implies a little bit of destruction. It’s subtle, yes—”

“We’re a heavy metal band, Ian. We don’t do subtle either.”

“It’s experimental.”

“No, it’s flowery. When you wrote a song about clocks and made Rupert drum it in 11/4, that was experimental. This is just stupid.”

“I have a process!”

“Well, Ian, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about your process.”

“Don’t mock the process!”

“Really? The process that gave us Unicorn Soul is above mockery?”

“Oh, be fair, Nigel. I really like that song.”

“Yeah, and so do the one-hundred-and-seventeen people who’ve downloaded it off iTunes, I’m sure.”

“You say that like it’s my fault our sales are low.”

“It is your fault. Nobody wants to buy a heavy metal song with a stupid, flowery title.”

Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream! Lot’s of people love that song.”

“Ian, when’s the last time you heard Sunshine Of Your Love on the radio?”

“I don’t know. But it’s a classic, hard-rocking song.”

“It’s a classic, hard-rocking song with a stupid, flowery title. When’s the last time you heard it and didn’t immediately mistake it for Cocaine or In A Gadda Da Vida or some other song with a real title?”

“Look, Nigel, I’m trying to take us in a new artistic direction. We need to grow, to evolve.”

“Fine, but could we at least play with the idea of growing by being more metal?”


“I don’t know, Ian. You’re the lyricist. Think Reign In Blood. That’s a metal song title. Or Master Of Puppets.”

“Fine, let’s use those, then.”

“We can’t use… Ian, do you even listen to metal?”

“Sure. I already brought up Cream, didn’t I?”

“Um… That’s hard rock, but I was thinking Slayer or Anthrax.”

“Pink Floyd?”




“Guns ‘n’ Roses?”

“Ian, are you kidding me? What are you going to say next? Spinal Tap? Look, if you want sing about bath oil and scented candles, we’re going to end up opening for Bon-fucking-Jovi.”

“Nigel, that hurts.”

“Well, get your head in the game, man! Or we’re going instrumental!”

“… So what would you suggest?”

“I don’t know. What sounds like lavender? Cadaver?”

“The meter’s off, but I think I see what you’re getting at. Matter of Trust. Patterns of Rust. I’ll work it out.”

Edited by Carolyn "You Could Cut All Of This, Retain The Meaning, And Avoid My Confusion" Abram.

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