Friday, February 21, 2014

Friday Flash Fiction: Everything You Know Is A Lie

Every Friday Kurt posts a new piece of flash fiction. This week...

Everything You Know Is A Lie
Word Count: 600

Look, you’re seeing this the wrong way. It’s not that I was lying to you before (although I was), it’s that I’m choosing to be honest with you now. I lie to everyone, but not you. Not anymore. You’re a really nice guy and I like you a lot, and yes it’s only been three dates, but I think we’ve got potential and I really do hope your mother will like me.

Please don’t go.

Look, when you think about it, everything you ever thought you knew was a lie. Napoleon wasn’t short. Sugar doesn’t make kids hyperactive. Fortune cookies aren’t Chinese. “Irregardless”—which you say all the time—isn’t even a real word. That’s crazy, right? This isn’t helping.

Okay, I remember from your personal ad that you wanted just a normal girl who is honest. I suppose I violated that a bit, but women wear make-up, don’t they? That’s a form of dishonesty. You wouldn’t want me to not wear make-up, would you? Look, I would have told you eventually, and I realize this is a bit of a shock, but if you hadn’t been so aggressive—not that I’m blaming you, I like aggressive…

Please don’t go.

Did you know that crime rates aren’t actually affected by full moons? That’s a lie. Did you know that? Did you know that Albert Einstein never failed math. That’s a lie. Ostriches don’t really hide their heads in the sand. Rabbits don’t eat carrots. These are all lies. Have they cheapened your life or your existence? No! Are you going to throw away whole relationships because of them? Of course not! Are you going to take back every apple you left for your history teacher because she told you that Christopher Columbus proved the world was round—because that’s a lie! And don’t even get me started on Paul Revere!

Look, we’ve all seen The Crying Game. It could have been that, right?

Please don’t go.

Yes, you’re hurt, but I think you’re overreacting. How do you think I feel? How do you think bees feel, constantly being told that it’s impossible for them to fly? How do you think bats feel, being called blind? How do you think goldfish feel, being told that can’t remember anything for more than a few seconds? But this is a society of double-standards, where people are quick to believe anything that makes them feel better about themselves.

People actually believe that dogs are color-blind, because that makes them feel better. They actually believe that Romans invented rooms where they make themselves throw up. They actually believe that sharks don’t get cancer. They believe that ducks make a sound that doesn’t echo. People believe that! That’s crazy, right? And you believed something about me that made both of us feel better. That’s not a crime, is it?

Please don’t go.

Okay, I lied. You caught me. This is embarrassing and I’m sorry. But look, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out a few of your own casual dishonesties. I know your watch isn’t a real Rolex, for example. I’m not looking for my shoes and being all angry about it. Oh, you didn’t know it wasn’t a real Rolex? Well, it’s not. But that’s okay! I’ve got a fake Gucci handbag. It’s fine. Nobody cares! Be mad at the guy who sold it to you.

This isn’t helping, is it.

Yes, I lied to you. But you can understand why, right? It’s a hairpiece. I’m a woman who has to wear a hairpiece. Big deal! Please don’t go.

Edited by Carolyn "Myth Busted!" Abram.

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Abby (aka AgatheAthena) said...

Dogs are color-blind. I think the myth you were trying to dispel is "dogs only see in black & white".

Abby (aka AgatheAthena) said...

But very nice incorporation of all the lies taught to us through old wives tales & "everybody knows".