Friday, May 17, 2013

FFF: A Dental Specialist

Every week, Kurt posts a new bit of flash fiction. This week...

A Dental Specialist
Word Count: 600

Dr. Stephenson wore blue hospital scrubs and a silver crucifix. He smiled broadly. “Do come in, Mr. Haversham,” he said to his patient.

Haversham was short and trim. He wore a tan suit jacket over a colorful shirt along with white pants and a straw fedora. Despite his pallor, he looked as though he’d just returned from the Caribbean—which was, of course, ridiculous. “Thank you,” he said as he crossed the threshold. He sniffed. “Garlic?”

“It’s an unfortunate but necessary precaution,” said Dr. Stephenson. “Have you eaten tonight?”

“I had a nip just before two,” said Haversham.

“Excellent,” said Stephenson, relieved. It was dangerous to work on the hungry ones. He guided his patient to the chair where his assistant, Tracy, stood. She wore purple scrubs and a mask. She also carried—discreetly—a vial of holy water.

Haversham reclined in the dentist’s chair and looked up at Tracy. “O-positive?” he asked with a glimmer in his eyes. If he was tense at all, he didn’t show it.

“That’s an awfully personal question,” she said, smiling. “I think you’d have to buy me a drink first.”

“Alright, Mr. Haversham, let’s see it,” said Stephenson.

Haversham took a breath and slowly extended his fangs.

Stephenson peered into the vampire’s mouth. The right incisor was broken in half. “How’d you manage this?”

“I’m an eager eater,” said Haversham. “I didn’t notice the silver chain on her neck until it was too late. Speaking of, doctor, would you be so kind?”

Stephenson looked down to see his own silver necklace dangling perilously close to his patient’s chest. “Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, stuffing it safely inside his scrubs. “Any pain?”

“Tremendous amounts at first,” said Haversham. “But not anymore, no.”

“Sensitivity to cold?” asked Stephenson.

“I don’t eat anything cold, doctor,” said Haversham.

“Boy, you really banged the hell out of this, didn’t you?” said Stephenson. “I’m surprised it didn’t do more damage.”

“Oh, it did,” said Haversham. “I had a nasty hairlip for a few hours. The flesh healed and the other teeth grew back, but fangs are special.”

“Tracy,” said Stephenson. “We’ve got a fracture on eleven. We’ll need a crown.”

“Silver?” asked Tracy.

Haversham inhaled sharply.

“That’s the just the color,” said Stephenson.

Haversham relaxed. “It’s amazing what you never get used to. Samantha always wore silver—she hates the way gold clashes with her skin tone. And it looks even worse now that’s she’s turned and lost all the color in her cheeks. So now everything has to be platinum.”

“Sounds like she has expensive taste,” said Stephenson. “Speaking of which, this is going to be a custom job, so it will be on the pricey side.”

“And me without insurance,” said Haversham. “You have payment plans?”

“We’ll work out something,” said Stephenson.

“How long will it take?” asked Haversham. “Sunup is in three hours, after all.”

“Well, we’ll do a mold tonight and get you on your way. Give me a few days to prep the crown. Can you come back Thursday night?”

“Thursday is Bingo,” said Haversham, “but I suppose they won’t miss me this once.”

“I’ll put it on the calendar. Now, I saw a little build-up in there. How often are you flossing?”

Haversham hissed and lurched forward in the chair. Tracy pulled her vial out and Stephenson stepped back with his cross held in front of him. For a moment they stared at each other in breathless silence.

“Sorry,” said Stephenson. “Nobody likes that question.”

Haversham sat back. “The fault is mine,” he said. “You’re just doing your job. So, Thursday?”

Edited by Carolyn "Bingo For Eternity" Abram.

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Friday, May 10, 2013

FFF: The Italicist

Every week, Kurt posts a new bit of flash fiction. This week's story contains a HIDDEN MESSAGE! Enjoy...

The Italicist
Word Count: 600

Craven and Miller kicked in the door of the empty motel room. They looked around and cleared the bathroom, then they holstered their weapons. Miller swore under his breath. Another dead end.

“Dammit,” said Craven. “Where could he be?”

Six months. Miller had followed this trail for six months, only to find an empty room. It wasn’t even a particularly nice room. It looked like it hadn’t been renovated since the late seventies—orange carpet with wood paneled walls. Miller sighed. “He’s obviously not here,” he said.

“Is this even the right place?” asked Craven.

“Yeah,” said Miller.

“Are we sure?” asked Craven. “I mean, are we sure?”

“Pretty sure,” said Miller. “The trail led here. We know where he was coming from.”

“Too bad we don’t know where he was going to,” said Craven.

Miller sat on the bed. They’d been tracking the espionage artist known as The Italicist for half a year. He—or she—had been leaking government information to foreign powers, encoding it into key phrases of public dispatches. The only problem was that nobody knew who he—or she—was, and he—or she—had led Special Agents Miller and Craven on a merry chase across the country.

“God, I could use a drink right about now,” said Craven. “Or some sushi.”

“That’s nice,” said Miller.

“You ever go to the place on Fifth? Really cute waitresses,” said Craven. “What say we head over there and try to pick up some yellowtail.”

Miller eyed his partner, who was grinning and waggling his eyebrows. “You know, my sister-in-law is Korean.”

Your sister,” said Craven. “Man, I’m sorry. I was just making a joke.” 

“Forget it,” said Miller. “Let’s get forensics in here.” They’d only been working together for less than a month, but Miller could already tell they weren’t getting along. Sighing, he opened the closet, but all he found were a few empty hangers and an ironing board. No clothes, no shoes, no suitcase. Empty. Mostly empty.

“Hey, look at this,” said Craven. He was eying a TV tray with a half-eaten bagel and a glass of thick, dark liquid. He sniffed it. “Smells like Ovaltine,” he said. “Can you believe that? Who drinks Ovaltine?”

“This is good news,” said Miller, brightening. “Maybe we can get some DNA off the bagel.”

“And if he’s a government employee, that means we’ll be able to match it to a face,” said Craven. “Probably,” he added.

“More importantly,” said Miller, “it means he left in a hurry. Which means he’s close by.”

Craven walked around the bed and stood next to Miller. “Probably right under our noses. Dammit, that’s frustrating.”

Miller looked cross-ways as his partner. “That’s the job,” he said. “They frequently get away. But we tracked him this far. The credit card in Overland to the security footage at the mart down the street. A leads to B leads to C. We’re closing in.”

“Yeah,” said Craven. “Hey, I’m really sorry about the yellowtail joke.”

“I said forget it.”

“Tell you what, sushi’s on me,” said Craven.

Miller sighed. This partnership was not going to work out well at all. “You know what,” he said, “I’m not a huge sushi fan, but if you want to make it up to me, you could go down the street and get me a coffee.”

“Sure,” said Craven.

Miller was on his phone when he heard the tires squeal. He peered out the window and saw Craven in the car. Heading South. Fast.

There weren’t any coffee shops to the South.

“Son of a bitch.”

Edited by Carolyn "I Forgot To Tell You That You Were Ridiculous" Abram.

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Friday, May 3, 2013

FFF: Lawyers Of The Lamp

Every week, Kurt posts a new bit of flash fiction. This week...

Lawyers Of The Lamp
Word Count: 600

Are you a U.S. citizen? Are you over 18 years of age? Have you discovered a magic lamp that contains a genie who will grant you three wishes? If you can answer “yes” to all three of these questions, then I have an important message for you: Dealing with genies can be difficult. Why do it yourself when you can get help from knowledgeable professionals who specialize in maximizing your wish-fulfillment? Call our toll-free* number right now to let us help you avoid wasted wishes.

Hi. My name is Jacob Jacobson. You know my law firm: Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates. We have the most experience of any law firm in helping you get what you deserve from your genie. If you have a magic lamp that contains a genie who is willing to grant you three wishes, don’t do anything before you call our toll-free* number. Our service pays for itself.

Our legal associates are experts trained in genie litigation, negotiation, and arbitration. We know all the ins and outs of the rules that govern genie wish-fulfillment. We know what your genie will and won’t do for you. We also know what does and what does not qualify as a bona fide wish.

But, most importantly, we can help you draft and revise your wish into a water-tight command that even the most reluctant genie will be forced to obey. No ironic punishments, no heavy-handed moral lessons, just you getting the maximum amount that you can get from your genie.

And remember, we don’t collect unless you are so unfathomably wealthy that you won’t even notice the ridiculously outlandish bill for our services.

But wait. What if you’ve already used one or even two of your allotted wishes? That’s no problem. Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates can still help you get the most out of your remaining wishes. Our service literally** pays for itself.

But don’t take our word for it. Just listen to this testimonial from our most recent satisfied customer:


I found a magic lamp and wished for a relationship with a supermodel. That mean old genie turned my sister into a professional model and told me that my wish was granted. So I contacted Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates using this toll-free* number. Not only did the genie give me back my wish, he also made my sister a fry cook and gave me my very own country. Thanks, Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates!

—Kim Jong-un, satisfied customer


But that’s not all. We also offer a number of services for non-genie wish-granting engagements. Opening a fortune cookie? Blowing out the candles on your birthday cake? Holding onto a magic idol? Don’t do anything before you call our toll-free number. You’ll be glad you did. We guarantee*** it!

Don’t waste wishes. Call our toll-free* number today!

*Some fees may apply.

**For certain definitions of the word “literally”.

***Not an actual guarantee.

This is legal advertising and should not be construed in any way as legal advice. Jacobson, Pradhan & Associates are not licensed to practice non-supernatural law or to appear in any courtroom. If you need personalized legal assistance on non-supernatural matters, contact a real-life attorney in your area. Not valid outside the United States. Past results are not necessarily indicative of future results. Immunity from other genies not included. No wishing for more wishes. Void where prohibited (including but not limited to the states of Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, and Alaska, and the Territory of Puerto Rico). Translation services not included. Not responsible for death, injury, or personal and heritable curses.

Edited by Carolyn "I \Literally\ Fell Out Of My Chair" Abram.

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Friday, April 26, 2013

FFF: 1.762 Seconds

Every Friday, Kurt posts a new piece of flash fiction. This week...

1.762 Seconds
Word Count: 590

I open my eyes. Cocktail weenies float around me in the air, wrapped in little crescent rolls. Pigs in blankets floating, bouncing off the windows and the dash. The lid must have come off the tray when the car went airborne. So, that’s weird.

Something tells me I’m not going to make it to the party on time. My car has rotated about a third of the way over. From its trajectory, I think it’ll land on its head for sure—assuming it doesn’t hit that tree first. But… I’m guessing it’s gonna hit the tree.

I’d dozed off, I guess. I opened my eyes when the car hit the curb, but it was too late and I was going too fast. There’s nothing I can do about it. At this point, I’m just along for the ride, rotating in space in a hurtling juggernaut that’s inching me closer and closer towards death or a substantial hospital stay.

Personally, I’m hoping for the hospital stay but, as previously noted, I don’t have a whole lot of say in this.

I’m sideways. I feel weightless. Like I don’t exist in the world. I’ve escaped its grasp as it tries to hold me down on the ground. I’m free, in a way. I wonder if this is what being born feels like. Or dying. Or traveling in space. Or falling. That tree is getting bigger. So, yeah, I suppose this is what dying feels like, in a way.

Time doesn’t really slow down, you know. It only feels like it. Your brain measures time in the number of memories it makes. When you’re in distress, you make a lot of memories. So when you remember that time, it feels like time has slowed down. But when you’re actually living it, you’re not genuinely thinking any faster. So, while it feels to me like this ordeal is taking a long-ass time, it only feels that way in retrospect.

Noodle that for a while.

Three-quarters of the way around, or so. Maybe I won’t land upside-down. Maybe I’ll keep spinning, land on the side and roll. I’m still weightless. God, that’s weird. The tree is getting bigger, despite being almost completely inverted. Roots climbing to the sky like branches, and vice versa. Pigs in blankets everywhere.

Do you want to know why I fell asleep at the wheel? I stayed up late watching a movie on TBS and then had to wake up early for a conference call. Went home to grab the pigs in blankets and now this. Stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I suppose regrets are, at this point, a waste of time—time being something that is in imminently short supply for me. But what else can I do but lament? I can’t even move my arms fast enough to brace myself. They’re flailing like empty sausage skins. Might as well be boneless.

That tree is getting bigger and bigger, spinning round and round. Soon it will fill up the windshield. Soon it will be the only thing I can see, filling my entire field of vision. Then the car will collapse around it, and all of my forward momentum will instantaneously stop. My chest will be crushed by the seatbelt and steering column. Twisted metal. Shattered glass. Soon.

Why bother being afraid. Fear of death is a luxury for people with time. And, frankly, I don’t think I’m going to walk away from this.

Closer.

Spinning.

Larger.

Fractions of seconds adding up to an eternity.

Oh my god…

Edited by Carolyn "I Shall Noodle It" Abram.

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Friday, April 19, 2013

FFF: Horoscope

Every Friday Kurt posts a new flash fiction story. This week...

Horoscope
Word Count: 595

ARIES (The Ram) March 21 - April 19 Aries and Pisces are at odds with each other this month. Old rivals threaten you, but you can triumph if you act now. Enlist the aid of kind strangers.

TAURUS (The Bull) April 20 - May 20 The stars entreat you to commune with your fellow man. A stranger might approach with an intriguing offer. Trust him, especially if that he is an Aries. The stars foretell that other signs are going to be interested in your goal. Pass it on, and you all may be rewarded.

GEMINI (The Twins) May 21 - June 20 Jupiter waxes in your sign. It is time to throw off old habits and look to the new, especially where rivalries are concerned. You will need some new gear. Seek the Lion’s assistance.

CANCER (The Crab) June 21 - July 22 Saturn lingers in your sign this month, telling you to be mindful of goings on around you. There may be an opportunity for gains, if you act with haste. Consider enlisting the help of air signs to undermine a rival.

LEO (The Lion) July 23 - August 22 The Lion gathers his Pride. A Gemini may come asking you about tools and collaboration. There may be some mention of enemies. There may be some under-the-table dealings. There is much power to be gained in exploiting this, if you play your cards right. When the time comes, consult with an Aquarius.

VIRGO (The Maiden) August 23 - September 21 War is all around you, but it is not without opportunities. Look for a Capricorn with a plan. You won’t find one, but maybe you can coax one into tagging along. If you’re approached by an Aries, he’s going to sound hostile, but it’s all right, he’s cool. The stars can vouch.

LIBRA (The Scales) September 23 - October 23 The Scales so often seek justice. If you run into a Cancer, a Leo, a Virgo, a Taurus, a Gemini, or a Virgo, you’re going to want to get in on this action. That goddamn Pisces has wronged you for the last time.

SCORPIO (The Scorpion) October 24 - November 21 The stars are hazy and brimming with consternation, but not towards you, per se. Honestly, Scorpio, things are going to get hairy this month. It’s probably best if you just stay out of it. Take a vacation or something.

SAGITTARIUS (The Archer) November 22 - December 21 The Archer will be approached by many people with plans to deal with a certain fish that we don’t feel like we need to point out by name. That melon-farmer is going down. Aries is the instigator, but we’re going to let Aquarius do the planning, so try to pass that along.

CAPRICORN (The Goat) December 22 - January 19 The Virgin will approach you about an arrangement. And not the Virgin Mary. The stars are talking about a Virgo. As in Astrology. Try to keep up. And don’t get too worked up about the “virgin” thing, either. Anyway, stuff is going down, you’re going to want in. Just go with it. The stars foresee, etc.

AQUARIUS (The Water Bearer) January 20 - February 18 The water-bearer has many friends this month. Unite them in common purpose. But before you can strike, you must plan. Join together at a place where water flows freely to discuss an arrangement that may benefit you all.

PISCES (The Fish) February 19 - March 20 Mars is prominent in your sign. Your enemies are at the fountain. You know what must be done. Show them no mercy.

Edited by Carolyn "A Sound Beating Because I'm Scrappy" Abram.

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Friday, April 12, 2013

FFF: Open And Shut

Every Friday, Kurt posts a new piece of flash fiction. This week...

Open And Shut
Word Count: 600

“We’re canvassing the neighborhood,” said Patrolman Barnes.

“Waste of time, if you ask me,” said Detective Jezelnik, flicking away a half-smoked cigarette. “Wife dead. Husband found trying to move the body. We’ve got our guy. Who called it in?”

“Neighbor,” said the patrolman.

“Yeah, this one’s open and shut,” said Jezelnik.

“Procedure, sir,” said the patrolman, but Jezelnik had already started walking towards the suspect.

He stood next to the husband—Ray Constapolis, who was sitting on a step, running a bloody hand nervously through his hair. “Mind if I sit?” asked Jezelnik.

“If you like,” said Constapolis, staring at the giant red stain on his living room carpet.

“I looked at your statement,” said Jezelnik. “When you found your wife dead in the living room, I’m curious why you didn’t call the police.”

“I’d rather not answer questions without my attorney present,” said Constapolis.

“Your decision,” said Jezelnik. “But you know how lawyers are. They just confuse everything. If your story’s true, then you’ve got nothing to hide.”

“Are you suggesting that I would be in a better legal position without someone who actually knows my legal rights?” asked Constapolis, casting a sideways glance at the detective. “Color me suspicious.”

Jezelnik chuckled. So, this guy wants to be a wise-ass, eh? “Just remember that we’re all on the same team,” he said. “We want to find whoever killed her. If I miss something important because we’re waiting for a lawyer for you, then that’s time lost hunting down the killer.”

“Lawyer,” said Constapolis.

“I just want to ask two or three questions,” said Jezelnik.

“Well, fortunately, I’m only looking for one lawyer,” said Constapolis.

“If that’s the way you want—”

“Do you know what I do for a living, Detective?” asked Constapolis.

“Yeah, you’re a librarian,” said Jezelnik.

“At a university library,” said Constapolis. “Free from traffic, free from construction, free from cubicles, free from telephones, and virtually devoid of students. It’s calming, relaxing, and very, very quiet.”

“Is there a point to—”

“The point, Detective,” said Constapolis, “is that my hearing has not been completely destroyed like most people’s in this city. So when you stand fifteen feet away from me and tell another officer not to bother investigating anyone else because you’ve already got your man…”

“Your neighbor did see you dragging the body across the carpet,” said Jezelnik. “What else are we supposed to think? You tell me.”

“I’m sure my lawyer can tell you,” said Constapolis.

“Fine,” said Jezelnik. “You don’t have to answer, but all I want to know is why you didn’t call the police when you found your wife murdered. That’s all I’m going to ask. Answer or don’t, it’s up to you.” He stood and turned and jammed a hand into his breast pocket, looking for a pack of cigarettes. Let the forensics team deal with it.

“Detective,” said Constapolis, quietly.

Jezelnik froze. “Yeah?” he said.

“I wasn’t dragging her,” said Constapolis, “when my neighbor saw me.” Jezelnik didn’t say anything. “I was holding her. I didn’t call the police because, when I found Alice, I couldn’t do anything except hold her. And cry.”

Jezelnik started walking again and flagged down Patrolman Barnes. “How’s the canvas going?”

“You said not to bother,” said Barnes.

“Just do it,” said Jezelnik.

“I thought you said we had our guy,” said Barnes. “Open and shut.”

“It’s back open,” said Jezelnik, lighting a cigarette. “I asked him to clarify his story, and I buy it.”

“Oh,” said Barnes. “You know those things will kill you.”

“Yeah, well, what the hell doesn’t?” said Jezelnik.

Edited by Carolyn "I Have Decided To Let It Live!" Abram.

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Friday, April 5, 2013

FFF: Codger

Every Friday Kurt posts a new piece of a original flash fiction. This week...

Codger
Word Count: 598

The old codger sat on a rocker on his porch, staring out at his land. He had a tall, sweaty Arnold Palmer on the table next to him, and a shotgun laying carelessly across his lap. His house guest, a fellow named Tyrone, sat on the steps a few feet in front of him. The old codger smiled. He so rarely had company.

“That windmill,” said the old codger, pointing, “my father built that when I was five years old.”

“That right?” asked Tyrone.

“Mm-hmm,” said the codger. “Cut the wood himself with a handsaw. We didn’t have table saws back then.”

Tyrone nodded.

“Put his own blood and sweat into that windmill,” said the old codger. “He loved it. It was an accomplishment, something he made. To the rest of us, though—my brothers and sisters—it was just another part of the farm. Hell, it was almost as old as we were. Hard to imagine a time when it didn’t exist.”

Tyrone nodded.

“It’s funny,” said the old codger. “All this stuff around us, somebody made it. You ever think about that?”

“Not really,” said Tyrone.

“You should,” said the old codger. “This house, that windmill, this porch—somebody made all of those things. To somebody, they were projects, and they were special. Nobody builds a house without it being special to them. Don’t you think so?”

“Sounds right to me,” said Tyrone.

“A house is unique,” said the old codger. “A house has personality—just like that windmill. But we forget about that. We treat everything in the world like a commodity. You know what I used to do for a living?”

“No, sir,” said Tyrone.

“I was an ad man,” said the old codger. “I didn’t inherit the farm until my dad died. Before that, before I retired, I spent forty-three years in advertising. Loved it. I was good at it. But, when I look at that windmill, I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t making the world a worse place. I didn’t build anything; I took things other people had built and turned them into commodities.”

Tyrone nodded.

“You want to hear something crazy?” asked the old codger.

“Okay,” said Tyrone.

“In ad copy, you never call a house a house. You always call it a home. That makes it seem more personal to the buyer. Houses are expensive and require upkeep; homes are where you raise your kids. A man’s home is his castle; a man’s house is his mortgage. So what I was doing was taking things that people made, wrapping them up in a box to make them easier to sell, and then prettifying the words on that box to make people actually want to buy it.”

“Huh,” said Tyrone. “That does sound a little crazy.”

“Anything worth buying was created with love once,” said the old codger. “You can’t ever forget that.”

Tyrone nodded.

“You see what I’m getting at with all this?” asked the old codger.

“I think so,” said Tyrone.

“That all you got to say?” asked the old codger. “You’ve been awful quiet all evening.”

Tyrone turned back and looked at the old codger and the shotgun in his lap. “Look, Mister,” he said, “I’m real sorry I tried to jack your car. If you let me go, you won’t ever see me on your property again. I promise. You gotta believe me.”

“I believe you,” said the old codger.

“So, can I go?” asked Tyrone.

“Not just yet,” said the codger, adjusting his grip on the shotgun. “Now, that barn over there…”

Edited by Carolyn "Glare At It With Your Shiny Eye Lasers" Abram.

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